So, here’s a funny thing: I don’t know what’s next. Stranger still, I’ve made an odd form of peace with it. Me, the planner, the anticipator, the dreamer, has simply decided come what may, it will be alright. This reaction is unusual for me. Sometimes I sit with it and hold it softly, like a rock on my tongue, unfamiliar and secret. I actually found the word today to describe this state of being: coddiwomple. Isn’t it great? It’s real world, I’ll wait while you google it.
Origin: English Slang Word
Definition: To travel in a purposeful manner towards a vague destination.
It’s been ninety-five days since I started writing a blog a day. Simply focusing on one habit suddenly brought other habits into focus, good and bad. When I’m not writing every day, I work on other things – adding and removing, shifting, adjusting, making peace with the fact that some changes stick and some fail, and some should never have been changed in the first place.
Somehow, making space in each day for transparency, opened up space for other things I was either too fearful or too busy to try before. Let’s face it, even a routine we hate can be more comfortable than the new and unfamiliar. Or perhaps the sheer scope of possibility is too wide open for us to consider, after all, we’re certain to make a wrong choice with so many options in front of us, hey? When you wrestle with perfection, this is a truly paralyzing thought.
I’ll be the first person to tell you I’m a work in progress, someone who still has a great deal of progress to make. But the fact that I can look back and see the heavy burdens I’ve carried littering the path behind me lets me know I’m at least headed in the right direction. I may not be certain where I’ll end up, but I’m no longer afraid of being someone different when I arrive. In fact, I desire exactly that, a reborn me, fresh and new in the sunshine.
Surprisingly, there’s a fair number of things about myself I plan to keep, as well. I’m not throwing everything, far from it. My journey this year is revealing things I’d forgotten that I really like about myself. Self-love and self-care have brought these buried treasure to light again. I won’t be casting them by the wayside so quickly, but I’m willing to refine and redirect them as necessary. Only time will make those refinements clear.
And so I coddiwomple along, unsure of my next move, my purpose or what I want to be when I grow up. But I’m learning to embrace the journey; even here there is purpose and direction. I don’t have to know the destination. I only need to take the next step.